In the Cauldron...

A wide expanse of
White, blue, black and gray
In His brewing bowl
Weed, shells, you, me and many more.

Doubt &The Seminal Truth

Quite unplanned, I watched the movie "Doubt" with a couple of my friends.This made me ponder about the idea of "being in love".Does love exist?I have been a hopeless romantic who had always held on religiously to this idea of love.The idea that has so ceremoniously been celebrated by poets and writers across cultures and over centuries of civilized mankind.But does it really exist?

Friends,God and Hindusim!

Some of the people close to me complain that i have a huge circle of friends and that I should reduce my social interaction if I need to complete my Ph.D. The last few years have been an almost an impossible arduous climb.Too many disappointments.Too many disasters.Too much for others to understand.All through, the one aspect which has kept me sane,filled me with hope and restored some order in my life it has been friends.They had been my family.This has only made me more empathetic towards the needs of others.This has only made me more human.However,I have been trying to focus on more concrete and important issues in Life:Like being there for helpless children.
All said and done this new year I told myself that I would insulate myself from most of the people.To some extent I did,except for a few exceptions.
I have been a part of a group in Lexington for a very long time.This group means a lot to me.Somehow all the members of the group ended up not being with me on the New Years eve!Hmm!
On the new year day i ended up going to the temple and chanting V.S.This was completely unplanned and gave me a lot of happiness and peace.Somehow I am still not able to convince my physics atheist friends about the existence of God.But this does not deter me from having faith.My resolve gets only stronger!
In the presence of faith,hope is born
In the presence of hope,love becomes a possibility
In the presence of love,anything is possible!

As the days pass by my faith in Hinduism becomes stronger and stronger.This is fuelled by my belief in Karma and it being the reason for the suffering that I see in mankind.Though i am strong follower of hinduism,I am very secular and appreciate the fact that Hindusim accomodates almost every religion that I know of!

New Year!

Another Beginning...an uprising against decadence!No Plan B!

Empathy!Do I have it?

BP and I used to spend hours together discussing art,literature and the rest of the stuff in the world.The frequency matching was awesome in many ways;except for one issue.BP always claimed that I lacked empathy.This issue had troubled me for years!Was i really a person with no empathy.I didnt know that time.

Years have passed.Now MP claims the same.Is it true that I lack empathy or is it my impatience that gets to people.I believe its the second.MP would never agree to that.I beg to differ.In the recent past I have been able to understand people:acquaintances, students and other family members.I have been able to empathize with them and be a support that they want.

Its my firm belief that empathy is a response to the way one acts and reacts.It is dictated by an individuals attitude and action.One should be willing to let go of barriers for the love to flow.It is then that true empathy exists instead of sympathy!

BP and MP: You both were wrong!

P: Missing being with you!!

A blue tee;
A Sparkling smile;
Shaped Eyebrows;
A green bottle;
Cupid's classic act!!

Inspiring Poems

Mother to Son
by
Langston Hughes


Well, son, I'll tell you:
Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.
It's had tacks in it,
And splinters,
And boards torn up,
And places with no carpet on the floor
Bare.
But all the time
I'se been a-climbin' on,
And reachin' landin's,
And turnin' corners,
And sometimes goin' in the dark
Where there ain't been no light.
So, boy, don't you turn back.
Don't you set down on the steps.
'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.
Don't you fall now
For I'se still goin', honey,
I'se still climbin',
And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

``````````````````````````````````

Hope Abides

Hope abides; therefore I abide.
Countless frustrations have not cowed me.
I am still alive, vibrant with life.
The black cloud will disappear,
The morning sun will appear once again
In all its supernal glory.

- Sri Chinmoy

Duality of Life!

Sometimes life comes at you fast and you don’t really realize what is going on. We seldom take time to observe this. We keep moving on. I am at a point where I need to restructure and re-strategize my life. From shifting fields of interest, to trying to mend a non-existing relationship, to being in the middle of a cat fight, to making sure that a few children have a peaceful night’s sleep: the last few months have been insane. I realize I have been making some of the mistakes that I have made before. I learn yet again that detachment is what keeps one away from sadness. That happiness and sadness are twin sisters who are essentially the same.D
reams of flying, of elephants chasing in temples, of tsunamis, of loss : they plague me too constantly. Family and friends are both a source, as well as a drain on my energy. Hah! The duality of life!

Love: For believers in God!

Just because you dont see God, do you give up seeking him/her?

Love is such.To have not felt it or experienced it or failed at it: It doesnt mean you give up the search.

Love exists in several forms.You just need the patience and perseverance to find it!

Sparsh: The Touch

A Life

Of Silences

Of stolen dreams

Of taunting memories

I see.

A Life

Of hope

Of Joy unleashed

Of Unbridled spirits

I dream.

I reach out

To turn things around;

To touch and heal.

Come.

Join me.

-Humeshkar Nemala

Passing thoughts!

Sometimes we come across people who spice up your life with just their presence.You love them.Cherish them.Want them.And know only too well it is not possible.Yet there is that bit of intangible hope,a desire:chained and buried.To P.I know I will cherish you for ever.
A life....
Of silences
Of Stolen Glances
Of Acerbic words
Of floating dreams and Grounded realities
We continue to live
In the subconcious taverns
Of our fragile minds;
Accepting and Acknowledging
Each others presence!

Twice scorned!

He flipped through the pages of the novel which had won the Booker recently.Disinterested,he looked away towards the door,as if he was expecting someone.The music of Sudha Raghunathan on his ipod was stimulating.Yet,there was a sense of dissatisfaction.Listless.Thathow he would define it. The cappuchino cup was empty.He had been frequenting the new coffee shop on the central campus.Infact he found the place quite invigorating and went on to solve radiative transfer problems with ease.He licked the last bit of the hummus which was on the plate he had ordered almost an hour ago. It was sunday evening.The ususal suspects,his friends, were not there. He wondered what the Canadian Adam was upto. He thought maybe he should call Gayathri and talk to her. Tim was busy with his high energy physics.He was almost about to leave.It was almost 8.He had to TA for a class early the next day.There was stuff to grade.He had to prepare for the class tomorrow.A minute of silence.He closed his eyes and imagined to lock up all his thoughts in a steel chest and throw it deep into the see.That was the end of that weekend.His last two had been more interesting.


About a month ago he had met her at a friends place.Shrishti.She seemed to be quite.Said a hi and made him some tea. He never thought he would meet her again.let alone talk to her twice a day,crib about stuff in general and lend his patient ear to her ramblings.But it happened.There was no looking back

Love,Laughter,Friendship and the Zen of being happy

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Walking the extra mile.....

Whether it is an assignemnet or a deal that needs to be closed or a simple issue of letting someone know what they mean to us, putting in the extra effort to make things different what matters sometimes.

6.10 Am ( A work of fiction)

Its cold and I am in the middle of a dream. Days of insomnia has deprived me of sound sleep.Every day was like a formless white mass mottled with dots of incoherent events; a tie-and-die piece of art by a four year old.Prozac.Racy tunes from latest bollywood hits.An incessant stream of thoughts. Splenda falvored icecreams.Buttery rich popcorn.Coffee from the gas station.Pretty much that seemed to define me.Me.I.Why was I labelling this unfathomable me with a single alphabet "I"?I had moved from Chennai to Stockholm to Auburn. The world was presenting me with fewer and fewer options.To move.To redefine.To be born again.From death to life.

"Good Morning,Mom"
"Good morning Kanna"
Thats how my Mom calls me.
"Mom,how is Dad?"
"He is doing better.The doctors are planning to discharge him tomorrow"
"Good.Good.So are you fine with funds?"
"Kanna,I shall manage it somehow.Dont worry"
I make a mental note to visit Western Union within the next few hours.
"Mom,Yashoda Aunty will not live for long".Tears cloud my eyes.I know its is dark and nobody will be able to see me crying seated on the steps on the third floor.I had started favoring the spot after I had moved in with Dinakar.I could see the stop sign ahead on the road.The construction which was coming up.The occasional car or two which passed through the street.

Heights of Stupidity

Have you ever dropped a phone in water and had to throw it away?

Have you forgotten and put a plastic bowl on an electric stove?

Have you broken a porcelain cup? And injured yourself walking on a small shred you didn’t see?

Have you made changes to your code and did not take a back up? And lost it all?

Have you locked a cabin/desk which doesn’t have a key?

Have you said something you should not have said in front of a girl or a guy you like?

Have you washed your clothes in the laundry along with the new jump drive?

You probably have done all these at some point of your life. Stupid acts of carelessness. Maybe even more stupid ones than what has been mentioned above. Every time we see someone do something like this we judge. Call them stupid. What we don’t realize is the fact that we all do stupid things. It’s only the degree of stupidity which varies. So, the next time you decide on calling someone stupid, think!

Medical Breakthroughs/Miracles

My interests have included many things: politics, economics, science (in particular astrophysics), poetry and culinary delights! Though I cannot boast about my authority in any particular field I consider myself as a Jack of all trades. However in the recent past two issues or rather fields, in a broad sense, have been successful in capturing my attention: that of medicine and stocks. Not because these two are elite fields which can fill coffers quickly, but rather because of the awe and risk associated with them. The pure sense of disbelief which grips an individual whenever something big happens. Whether it is the rise, continued by a further rise and then a sudden fall in the stock prices of a company having its offices in Lexington or the prospect of saving a four-year old somewhere in UK, it gives me an unknown high when I hear about it. The conversation might happen over a casual cup of tea with this new doctor friend of mine, who has an ardent interest in poetry and painting, or over a platter of medhu vadas at the local Indian restaurant with a couple of friends after a visit to the temple.The last week I came across some information which generated enough excitement in me to jump up, read it loud and share it with my friends and family.I thought it was worthy enough to put it on my blog.

The pancreas is a small leaf like organ which produces both exocrinic and endocrinic juices. In short it plays a very important role in the digestion of the food you partake and also in regulating the blood sugars. However in some cases people get diagnosed with pancreatitis. It basically means that your pancreas is inflamed. This could lead to several complications including death. There are two types of pancreatitis: Acute pancreatitis (symptoms include nausea, vomiting, acute abdominal pain) and chronic pancreatitis. Both these forms are dangerous and can cause tissue death of the pancreas. There can also be complications leading to pancreatic cancer. One of the greatest discoveries that can happen is a way of dealing with this problem : Something that would amount to the regeneration of the pancreas. There seems to be light at the end of the tunnel!!Scientific American reports that Belgian scientists have found pancreatic stem cells in mice. If this could be extrapolated to human beings it would serve as a great boon to people suffering from diabetes resulting from the destruction of the beta cells in the pancreas. Hip Hip Hurray!! Though one cannot say with conviction that a cure will be found in the next decade or so, it is still a beginning. A beginning that could bring cheer, to more than 180 million people world wide (according to a WHO estimate), suffering from this disorder. Yes people diabetes is not a disease it is a disorder!

The other piece of news which astonished me was the ingenuity of doctors in UK to use Viagra to keep a four year old alive and fighting a serious heart condition. Viagra is not something one would associate with young girls, but it required thinking out of the box to use it to keep a human life going! Let us hope and pray that Jessica Findlay survives severe multiple bilateral pulmonary stenosis (that’s the name of the condition she suffers from). It is at times like this I start believing in Karma. As a physicist it’s almost blasphemous to be thinking about it, but how else does one explain this cruelty meted out to an unfortunate few?

Demi-Lee Brenan, a fifteen year old Australian girl, witnessed her blood group change from O negative to O positive on receiving a liver transplant. The livers blood stem cells brought about this change by invading her body’s bone marrow. Having happened for the first time this has baffled doctors and scientists all over the world!

Music.....

The last couple of years Music has played a very important role in my life.Moreso Carnatic music.I am not ashamed to say that I was born into an artistically(in this context, music) deprived family.But I do feel sad that I never had an opportunity to learn music;in particular carnatic music.In many instances Carnatic music has been my life saver. This is because of the fact that it is not only coupled with the Hindu religion(which so often helps me strengthen my faith) but also for the simple reason that it has a very therapeutic effect on an individual. I had, in the early 2000's ,listened to Mozart and the rest of the classical composers with the hope that it would clear my clogged up brains!However when I spent quite a bit of time staring at white walls,serpentine tubes carrying liquids to my body and at the invisible but impenetrable wall of disbelief and angst,it was M.S who provided me consolation,faith and to some extent seemed to have cured me.After that I was hooked on to classical carnatic music with much of the needed inspiration being fuelled by Subha Srinivasan.I started to attend every possible concert in the local circuit.The local circuit basically involved Subha,Sujan,Arthi & Niveditha. There have been instances where my admiration for Subha has almost bordered on religious devotion.This is because everytime she sings Kurai Ondrum Illai,Shambo or Sri Chakraraja,I mentally transcend into an altogether different plane where a sense of unexplainable,distilled happiness alone seems to exist.

I always seemed to be at peace after one of these sessions.

Recently I have started having this desire to sing atleast one song properly.And this Navratri,I did try my hand at it.Or should I say my throat?Whatever it was a disaster.Not that I was expecting something different.But atleast I made sure I understood the meaning of what I was singing.Thats a good start,right?I do want to understand the mathematical structure beneath the wonderful music that I hear.I do wish I could sing.I have asked a few people to help me with that.Some always say"Sure!Why not" and end the teaching session right there.Should this deter me from learning to sing?No.I am sure I will keep trying to learn.If not to sing,atleast to appreciate the music better.Maybe five years from now I might sing one song decently.It doesn't matter.When you love something,time is never a constraint.We learn to transcend the sea of time with patience;with eagerness and hope that can only be felt.Something that could not be understood by everyone.

Past...

People I have met have always talked of letting go the past and live in the present.But I do have a very different view. We must learn to treat it like waves on the seashore.Gentle and soothing!Everytime they come back they bring back riches..not of shells with myriad hues,crabs and starfish...but moments of unadulterated joy and pleasurable sadness!!We just need to hang on to them for a while and let them go.Let them go we do, but not before we are thrilled by the very experience.